Lyrics

Oh my God, there are breasts right in front of me, and I don't know what to do with myself.
If I had looked away one second earlier I might have avoided falling in love.
"Don't touch them, for God's sake, or you'll get beaten mercilessly," I remind myself.
It must be Christmas.

She said, "hi." She must have noticed my vacant stare.
She smiled, too. That must mean she wants me to hit on her relentlessly.
She muttered something about dominating, and how she doesn't easily scare.
That scared me.

Mommy, save me; I'm totally unprepared for independency.
Mommy, protect me from horrible things like individuality.
Mommy, grant me the power to teleport myself back into your arms whenever I want.

I stood tall, suave, slick, and debonair.
She told me she'd show me where she didn't have any hair.
And to this day I don't know what she meant, I swear.
Under there?

Mommy, save me; I'm totally unprepared for independency.
Mommy, protect me from horrible things like individuality.
Mommy, grant me the power to teleport myself back into your arms whenever I want.

Oh my God there are breasts all around me, I should have come out years ago!
I only regret not experiencing this when I was way too young.
Sheltered upbringings are the normalizers of insanity in humanity.
Smack! "Bite your tongue," says mom. "I'm sorry," I say, "all this TV is making me day dream of adulthood."

Mommy, save me; I'm not ready for this world.
Mommy, I know no other woman could take your place.
Don't be scared, I'm scared enough for the both of us.
So don't go being a hero; I can make it on my own.
If for some unforeseen circumstances I need your help, I'll come home.

Oh my God there are breasts everywhere! God bless America!