Song Description

(Jim Bracchita and Matt Gibson, vocals; Sue Anschutz, piano).?Jerry carries on an inner monologue as Osgood Fielding attempts to seduce him.  I chose the tango as the basic musical template as a nod to the famous tango scene where Jerry and Osgood dance in an empty hall in the wee hours of the morning.

Lyrics

My feet hurt.
There's a breeze up my skirt.
My nylons are itching.
My right eye is twitching.
My bosom is shifting.

Why can't I be what I was born to be.
All that I want is to take a pee standing up.

Ive got to find the zoom-zoom in my can-can.
That special distribution that God gave to woman.
That ridiculous waggle incites imagination.
Hail to the Queen of the Amazon Nation!

Jerry: Oh, I've lost my shoe. How do women walk in these things?
Osgood: May I help you?
Jerry: Be my guest.
Osgood: My, your ankle is divine. I love a shapely ankle on
a girl.
Jerry: So do I.
Osgood:
My name is Osgood Fielding the third.
My second yacht is called The Hummingbird.
The first was submersed during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.

My Ma was quite upset.
She put me on a jet to Tibet
so I'd forget about show girls.
Oh, those show girls! Ah!

I've always been fascinated by show business.
You have the glow of show business.
My family's invested quite a bit of dough in the
business we call show.
Jerry: Oh, your family invests in shows?
Osgood: No, showgirls. I've married six, or is it seven?

Jerry:
Spats put a bullet through my bass.
Now he's looking for my face in every bar
and every hole in every wall in Chicago.
Ganster fitness depends on no witnesses.

Now he's looking for the face of a man with a bass.
Emphasis on man!

Hence the skirt, the shoes, the nylons, hair and lips.
Imitation hips.
My nails are chipping!
My wig is slipping!
My eye is twitching!

Osgood:
My name is Osgood Fielding the third.
My second yacht is called The Hummingbird.
The first was submersed during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.
My Ma was quite upset.
She put me on a jet to Tibet
so I'd forget.

Jerry:
My ankles wobble when I walk.
I'm in falsetto when I talk.
There's a pinch in every inch, son of a binch!
My feet hurt!
There's a breeze where there shouldn't be a breez.
This sure ain't the bees knees
I hope I don't sneeze. Achoooo!
Now I've got to fix my hair.
And adujst my underwear.
So much to think about it's
driving me bananas.
I bet. My wig is slipping.
My makeup's dripping.

Osgood: My ma is getting nervous.
Jerry: I'm getting nervous too.
Osgood: She thinks I'm on the Hummingbird
upon the ocean blue.
Jerry: My legs are itching.
Osgood: She's very kind and wants the best for me.
She thinks I should be resonating with the motion of
the sea.
Jerry: My nails are chipping.
Osgood: But I'm on shore, not in tranquil
meditation but casting my line for a...
Jerry: I'm not just any girl but a...
Both: bass slapping,
bowing, plucking, sliding, sawing, scratching rhapsody!
Jerry: I guess I've got what it takes.
Osgood: She's a rhapsody.
Jerry: A girl who shimmers as she shakes. I'm a rhapsody!
Oh, he pinched me! I'm not that kind of girl! (slaps Osgood).
Osgood: Zowie!