Something about despair intrigues me. The only unsettling aspect is the experience itself. But, it's affect and truthfulness remains with you;... and changes you. When in grieving, the bare absence of any thing safe,; anything familiar, yields you... then suddenly you are amidst the unknown. The changes that occur when walking this path will eventually be the reminiscing memories you embrace ... Of all the things you did and anything you remember remembering, there is no other such experience that is more influential than surviving during the hard times.
Initially, we also come to embrace the good times too. I would like to say that the good times weigh out equally with the hard times...but I just simply could not... To me, the harder life gets, then better is the quality of those few good times.
"Brilliance is Gone''
The brilliance has gone lost from those missing, short lived daydreams.... The "nut case" has finally found his nut inside a crack on it's disastrous sets of shelling ; After having that raw and happenstance glimpse of the true forces fighting; a quick and sneaky little peek of myself reflecting. Something's going to continue with privately petitioned consciousness ... The circumstances, situations, and surroundings in which we grow the best therein, eventually, ( in accordance with one's capacity to just, "letting go" ), make for us the accurate space of energy that is necessary, in order to be flourished...
Ever am I the dying first; tired of being the best of the best, who finishes dead, in last place. Where did my dignity run off to? Don't I care at all to ask, where the hell is me? There is nothing that I do not get, simply because I do not get it. It's really fucking strange when people start telling you that ," Elias, your doing a lot better than before, ..you've come a long long way since then man!"
When in all actuality, ( and with funny little secret giggles sounding off in my mind like a game show weasel ass neck, tricky little fucker ),
Do not know where that was heading but anyways people would compliment me on how much beter I'm doing ( and that really just mean, you don't look like a wild druggie crazy man) when really I was still doing just as bad as I was, or worse.....It's just that after you meet your peak with any particular drug-using -, not only do you accumulate a hefty list of fucking up, making mistakes and getting caught; But you also become masterful at disguising your drug usage (and in my case), hiding the true nature of your craziness....
Can't negotiate with all the quarks that make me the weird fucking person that I am. So, you couldn't deal with my craziness? But, did my craziness ever abuse you? However, I suppose I ain't got no right...coming at you so unfair...The forgotten pains that were of my own causing cut the chances forever. Every where I go now, a small piece of you is always with me. It does not matter what world of place I'm in or the people of whoever I'm with, I carry these imprints regardless of what life may surround me in.
Somehow, ( and with a stunned expression ), I am awaken by a good point proven... I remember this old tune and getting caught up in the ritualistic repetitions of madness...Don't think there has ever been a shortage of all that crazy shit in any point of my life and so forth, no point in my life ever has been without some kind of strange reminisce of insanity. I'm still learning about acceptance of one's self the way one is. Therefore, I am continually striving toward that peace in just being.
Open, leaving a cracked door, for the confrontational side of my mind. So that it may make it's stand and so I may also do so as I recognize the clearing fog of all denial
''Played The Pawn''
I Deceive my "Self" with an honest grin...almost charming and such.
Being last in line has never felt so good.
When that last, long sign has reached it's peak, you know you've been there.
But Wheres' old place.
Played the pawn, so that you may place me...too enticing, your magic gravity pulls.
Might we be too ready? Alittle too informed and overly resisting?
No better example of choice; but a choice like this.
Where no matter what, Nobody wins because who ever does, still loses.
Sacrificial boxed crate loads of denial have made it all seem worth whiled.
Cheers from the games inside me, for we're always and will never end.
Home field advantage?;...... that's what I say.
Who but you and who but me,
yes it is us!!
An over populated and an overly filled, bunch of ego maniacs.
Lay with me though, nest here in my arm pit u gigantic, crazed world.
You can still be my friend, because I still wanna be yours.
We will compromise, I'm sure of it... That's not over us...
Humbly observed in a court yard of many a spectator.
It would be of a tragic closing if it were to end in your death.
For you can handle no other but the outcome as the victor.
Victor!, Ah yes, the victor...the glory of a undefeated champion can't be all you ever knew.
Where hides that guilt you've so brilliantly managed to ignore for such a long time?...
Show me what outlet this energy has been residing.