Lyrics

There is an ant in the pan-try...mendous in size he is
A jar of jelly a bag of cookies a bottle of Ingelnook he's claimed it all for his
He has a plan he will demand one-third of all that's on our shelves
If we should restrain him then when we're entertaining He'll come out & introduce himself

And there's a mouse in the house he's nibbling while we're asleep
There's a hole in every baggie his droppings leave us gaggy when in the kitchen drawers we peep

And there's a fly on the pie he's wiping his dirty feet
He should be reprimanded cause God knows where he landed before he flew onto our treat

CHORUS: But there's a perfect solution when you're the proper size
And you find a Lilliputian species out to colonize
When you see one of them making out a report on the contents of your skillet
Well there's only one thing to do - just kill it

Hiawath' with a cloth tied lightly about his waist
Some arrows & a bow he had no way to know he was taking up too damn much space
And came a man from a land where things were done in Jesus' name
And when he saw the heathen he never thought of leaving
He just prayed and the answer came

CHORUS: It was a perfect solution like a vision from above
Sometimes he called it self-defense sometimes he called it love
Most often he called it God's will
That's why there are very few heathens in New England they've all been...converted

A criminal who is subliminally drawn to a life of crime
Ending up in murder there's nothing absurder than to let him do it one more time
He's poor and black a maniac and all he knows is on the street
The lawyers get to talking and soon he'll be out walking
And we're supposed to turn the other cheek

CHORUS: But now a perfect solution from modern criminology
With a healthy contribution from anesthesiology
This prescription will never need a refill
When somebody don't do right you just medicate 'em...permanently

There is a girl with a curl but it's somewhere inside her brain
When it comes to thinking she's something less than Lincoln you should hear her mom complain
The doctors say there is no way that her life could ever mean a thing
They speak of mental ages while leafing through the pages of a chart that is discouraging

And there's a man no longer handy the snow has fallen on his dome
He used to pay some taxes but now the sorry fact is he's living in a nursing home
As for his health well we're not wealthy & tho' he used to be our dad
We're out here in Seattle some local bureaucrat'll have to see he gets what he should have

CHORUS: Cause it's the perfect solution we all have our own lives to live
No one should be called upon to give more than he or she could give
It's the best for all concerned you've got your own future to build
So just put your loved ones away and hope they'll be...cared for

There is a fetus coming to meet us very inconveniently
Plans we made we'll have to cancel won't this little Hansel or Gretel be a tragedy
Mobility and fertility now you can see how they're at odds
Since we're mobile upward how very corrupt could it be to have the kid dislodged

CHORUS: It's the perfect solution when you're timing isn't right
You never have to curb your sexual appetite
Better than any IUD or pill
When you find yourself pregnant you just...check into a hospital
It's the perfect solution to any problem that you've got
The perfect solution the one we've always sought
Follow this and your life will be idyllic
When something gets in your way...just kill it

© Karl Williams