Dwayne Crokum

Made famous by the lack of interest shown in him, Dwayne was unknown by millions of lucky people. Sadly, I knew him and it cost me. I became his manager in the hope that I could make a buck or two on the insurance money if he got shot by a jealous husband or by an unhappy girlfriend. However, he was too ugly to get girlfriends so that backfired as a project.

When the publisher first approached me about Dwayne's life, he said 'keep it short'. I told him that most people tried to make Dwayne's life as short as possible, but all had failed. He said make it interesting…yeah! He said put in sights, sounds and smells. Well, dear reader, you don’t want to see, hear and especially smell Dwayne, so I’ll do this my way if that’s OK. He said ‘cut out any boring bits’, so…THE END.

Dwayne Crokum was born under a wandering star, his mother, Pearl Eske. She wanted Dwayne to be as famous as she had been. After giving birth on stage, she declared that she would do whatever it took to make sure Dwayne's life followed the ballet in which she was performing, 'The Nutcracker Suite'.
His mother was convinced that as he had been born on the hottest day of 1948, he was half-baked. She was right.

He once told me that his father was a Russian ballet dancer who was a defective. I asked if he meant 'defector' and he said he had fallen in Swan Lake and had broken his wooden leg. Must have been very shallow, I quipped. "It was why he broke his leg."Dwayne snapped like his father's leg.
After going through Puberty, a small town that was sprouting up in the Deep South. He spent much of his life on the road, or on the sidewalk, depending upon where he fell, until he met the love of his life, money. Until then, Dwayne had an unhappy life. When he was young he was given a bed in kit form. At that point he realised that he had to make it for himself. He headed for the bright lights and only just managed to cross the freeway safely that night.
His ambition was to become a superstar and he travelled to Nashville where he was discovered by Joyleen Silicon. After his release from jail, having served his sentence for breaking into dressing room, Dwayne had his first record, a criminal one.
Most of his songs came from his broken heart. Most of his inability to sing came from his broken jaw. This made Dwayne a legend in the world of unpopular music. His inability to sing or play musical instruments ensured that he would be long forgotten by anybody who might have become a fan.

Dwayne never had a happy life. He became a superstar at an early age and just kept on, and on, and on. Mostly, his records were bought to provide Dwayne with enough money to retire from recording. Sadly, this did not work.

Well, I could leave his story there but as Dwayne embezzled all the money he owed me, my publisher told me that if I could tell the story in more words then I might make enough to pay my bail money to get me out of my retirement home.