Story Behind The Song

I wrote this song after a close friend and colleague of my husband took his own life. He was under a lot of stress at work negotiating big deals. He was also struggling with a long term health issue that was wearing his spirit down. Where those two stresses met on one fateful day resulted in a tragic loss for his wife and family and a long list of friends and colleagues scratching their heads wondering how such an awful thing could happen and how they all missed the signs. I wrote To Live or Die in an effort to discuss how we lose ourselves to our professional obligations and lose sight of the other things that are so important in the one's life. I used this story to build the song and tried my best to do honor to a heavy subject matter and balance it with music and melody that expresses the struggle, the questions and the pain.

Song Description

When my husband's colleague and friend took his own life, we all struggled with questions of how and why. How could we not have seen it? What were we missing and what kind of answers are there now for us to discover that might help us with reckoning with such a violent and final loss? To Live or Die is a song about the struggle of balancing work, life, family, health (physical and mental) and how sometimes we lose perspective and ourselves in the process. The song addresses the seduction of money, the back room deals and wonders about the price that is paid. It wonders about the signs that could have been missed and that might have lead to catching it before it went too far. The lyric asks if life worth fighting for; especially when you are in the grip of some kind of struggle, depression, illnes, etc. There is no solution offered, only the question that hangs in the air. And as an observer of how devastating such an event can be to the ones left behind (wife/husband, children, etc), I felt compelled to write a song addressing it. I used it to reckon my own sadness. I hope it is a song that could do the same for others. Since the subject matter is so heavy, I balanced it with a melody that supports it and walks us through the story. There are times where melodically there is a lot of space, so the lyrics can hang in the air. And then the a soaring chorus is used to lament the big question, To Live or Die, I'm asking why, to live or die is worth fighting for. It's repeated for impact and the melodic shift is used to drive the point home, body, mind and sou. Where the lyrics offer no solution, the music offers some release. I took my job very seriously in striking the right balance with all facets so it becomes a tour de force and cathartic experience.

Lyrics

A Hobbit in a hole, An Alice up a tree
An imaginary hero fighting back the enemy
Where the lost boys play with their psychosomatic schemes
So they'll never be lonely.....Except for now

An accomplice to a crime, A suitcase on the ledge
An intoxicating stairway going nowhere in the end
Where the lost boys play with the melodramatic toys
So they'll never be lonely.....Except for now

So take these tears and hold me tight
So the pieces of my life
can somehow explain
To live or die, I'm asking why
To live or die is worth fighting for

A handshake in the dark, No after to the fact
So you're off to join the circus with those monkeys on your back
Where the lost boys play with their, "I'm not afraid to die"
So they'll never be sorry.... Except for now

So take these tears and hold me close
So the fragments of my life
can somehow explain
To live or die, I'm asking why
To live or die is worth fighting for